I’ve battled the frustration of indecision countless times when major life decisions present themselves. I couldn’t choose which college I wanted to attend until literally the last minute. I couldn’t decide what I wanted to major in and finally went off of a suggestion from a family member. When my current boyfriend said we should finally start dating, I told him “I don’t know.” Life-altering decisions are not easy for anyone, but I put off these decisions scarily well. The problem is, unlike most procrastinating-decision-makers, I still fixate over these decisions right up until the deadline. The worst of both worlds; the torment of obsessing over the decision combined with the last-minute consequences.
It is no surprise that as I finish my junior year of college, I’m lumped right into the conveniently-large category of other juniors questioning what they want to do next. Like everyone, I have dreams for my life, and whether or not they will be fulfilled is becoming a heavier mass of responsibility as I grow older. These dreams are taking on weight daily; they sit like roadblocks rather than the hazy clouds I once thought dreams were meant to be. The transition from “someday” to “now” is becoming substantial. Someday I want to live in Europe. Wouldn’t now be most practical as I have no job and can easily pick up and move? Someday I want to continue my love of education and get a Ph.D. Wouldn’t now be best as I’m still in a scholastic mindset? Someday I want to coach gymnastics again. Wouldn’t now be best as I still retain most of the knowledge and athletic ability to do so? Someday I want to travel. Wouldn’t now be the easiest as I have no family to care for? Someday I want to pursue my passion for health. Wouldn’t now be the wisest time to follow this dream as I am choosing where I want to start my career?
I want to take full advantage of every opportunity, but the details behind doing so are messy, overlapping, and scary. These opportunities don’t make themselves, and I feel trapped between all the doors I am trying desperately to hold open.